


In This Glittering World

by okapifeathers (giratinas)



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drama, F/F, First Love, Romance, Slow Burn, The other pairings are in the background
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-03 00:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16315790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giratinas/pseuds/okapifeathers
Summary: Kokoro likes to think that everyone has the capacity to find happiness in their very own world, no matter the trial or tribulation. When she finds her first love in Misaki Okusawa - who has no dreams or aspirations, rarely smiles, and barely clings to wakefulness - she isn’t quite sure what to make of that philosophy anymore.





	1. The Fool

**Author's Note:**

> this is my attempt at understanding one of the more complicated characters i've grown so fond of. it won't be perfect, but kokoro is something else. i hope you'll enjoy my alternate universe take on her, mixed with my personal experiences from my own high school years so long ago.
> 
> if you would like to follow along with my misakoko art and other ideas, you can follow me on twitter @nicofeathers.
> 
> the rating may go up in the future.
> 
> special thanks to both my beta and my editor, who work so very hard to remind me how the english language works.

Kokoro Tsurumaki grew up alone.

That wasn’t to say she had been entirely on her own as a child; she just didn’t really know what it meant to be _not_ alone. In a world she only just barely shared with her parents, her day-to-day life was dominated by the people that worked with them; the people who wore nice clothing and held long-stemmed glasses daintily between their fingertips as they discussed matters Kokoro didn’t understand or care about.

Happiness - to someone who was surrounded by affluence and anything she could ever ask for - could still be something as simple as scampering under tablecloths and through the legs of many a flustered lady in the grand dining hall, or dipping things she wasn’t supposed to dip into the chocolate fountain.

Clad in a pure white dress with her short and jagged hair tousled all about her head, the heir to the Tsurumaki fortune was a force to be reckoned with. She was a tiny little blonde bomb just itching to go off at every opportunity, socially unaware and obnoxious at the best of times. Little could get in her way, if she deemed it so. Nothing was impossible.

She was as loud as she was rambunctious, too. Singing was her passion - as close as it could come to one. Her uncle might call it “singing”, but it didn’t deter her from letting her voice run free whenever she felt like it. Even if the perfect time to do so (in her opinion) just happened to be right in the middle of her father’s speech. And then again during the toast, while she stood on a chair and waved her fork around, conducting an imaginary orchestra.

Shortly after the toast, a pair of soft arms snatched her out from underneath a table with a stack of wine glasses on top that Kokoro was certain went all the way to the ceiling. The glasses hummed a little as she latched onto the tablecloth, familiar hands pulling it from her grasp with a gentle tug.

“Kokoro, darling,” her mother said, as she was sitting upon her lap. “We mustn’t interrupt your papa when he has very important things to say.”

“Uh-huh.” Happy and still fully charged, Kokoro pulled at the shimmering pearl necklace her mother wore.

Mama turned her around so she could look at Papa, who was standing at the head of the room with one hand holding a glass and the other buried in his pocket.

“One day, that will be you up there. It won’t be long before you’ll have to pay attention to everything Papa says, too.”

To six-year-old Kokoro the words were empty, and she had a difficult time concentrating on them anyway. The lacy hem of her dress was much more fascinating, and so was the one-yen coin she found on the floor under the table.

She wiggled and shook her mother’s arm until she was let back down to the floor, and then made a beeline for the doorway as fast as her tiny legs could carry her. Nobody followed, of course - the young lady of the estate had free reign and it was hardly worth stopping her if she was determined enough to get somewhere. Waiting outside the door on either side were the people in the black suits - her friends, as Kokoro thought of them. They _were_ friendly, if not a little quiet, but they came with her wherever she wanted and did anything she wanted them to do, so she figured that was close enough.

They fell into step behind her as she meandered across the plush red carpets and tumbled beneath the decorative mahogany armchairs that lined the halls. Her room was always so far away; despite her boundless energy, she did find the part where she had to actually walk there to be a little boring, and quickly indicated that she would prefer to be carried. The suits complied, and she rode along in a silence that anyone else might find to be a bit eerie.

In her room, she sat down on the floor by herself with a box of crayons and dozens of loose sheets of paper. Well, she wasn’t _really_ by herself - she had her friends with her and they always seemed happy enough to watch and compliment her artwork whenever she presented her masterpieces to them. In fact, she always had their company, no matter what she was doing. They did anything she asked - what could be better?

Unfortunately, they also made her do her homework. She had to practice English and French every day, or else she wasn’t allowed to have her crayons or even just a plain old pencil. Absolutely unfair.

At least she enjoyed everything else she learned, and she was allowed to read as many books from the library as she wanted. The Tsurumaki library, that is - she didn’t even have to go outside to find something new to read.

Kokoro knew she was special, mostly because her parents told her she was, but also because she got one entire teacher to herself.

Somebody as special as she was didn’t even have to leave her house to go to school.

\---

“Do you think there might be any benefit in transferring her into a normal school?” Hinata Tsurumaki asked, watching her ten-year-old daughter chew on the end of a pencil at a desk in the corner of the study.

Across from her sat Kokoro’s private general studies tutor, Amari-sensei.

“I should hardly think so. Despite her problems with focusing, she’s excelling as she is now. Have you been thinking about this for a while?”

Hinata shook her head. “No, no. The idea just comes around every now and again.”

“A mother can’t help but worry.” Amari crossed her legs. “This is really quite normal for someone of her heritage. She has only the best.”

“Of course.”

Kokoro swung her legs back and forth, feet not even close to touching the floor. Cheerful humming cut through the silence as she copied down notes from her text book, hardly aware that anyone else was in the room with her. She either had one hundred percent of her attention on something, or none at all - her usual habit since as long as anyone could remember.

“Do you think perhaps she might be lonely?” Hinata whispered. “She’s much more outgoing than I ever was.”

Ms. Amari shrugged. “If she is, then there’s no way to tell without asking her, and you know what she’ll say. I’ve never known anyone happier than she is.”

The conversation paused at the sound of a pencil dropping in the corner. As Kokoro leaned down to pick it up, she finally took notice of her company. A quick wave and the glowing smile she always wore no matter what she was doing were all they got for the time she gave them.

A silver tray and two glasses materialized on the table in front of them, courtesy of the bodyguards who always lingered, and Hinata took an offered glass of water. “I just wonder if she might be happy now only because she doesn’t know what she’s missing.”

“It’s possible, I suppose. Regardless, there would be no reason to remove her from her private studies right now, in my opinion.”

“You’re probably right. She’s just in a very difficult position to make friends.”

“Always a complicated affair for children like her. Your success gets in the way.”

Hinata nodded. “And she’s an only child. I’ll always worry if she’s truly happy.”

They fell into silence again. Kokoro’s humming carried throughout the room as they sipped on their drinks and observed her.

Four years hadn’t done much to change her childish personality. However, she remained steadfast in her education. For that, her father tolerated and admired her… unique ways of thinking. It was impossible to say if anyone really knew what was going on in her head. Was it a developmental issue? She spent most of her time being distracted or even, on occasion, ignoring what her own parents said to her. Sometimes, it seemed as though she was completely spacing out during her classes, and yet she still retained the information, as if it were tucked away the moment it entered her ear and saved for later to be pulled out seemingly at random from her own private mental library. There was a lot going on _upstairs_ , as it were. Maybe too much.

Very (very) rarely, she said something entirely nonsensical - something that seemed right only to her, and not anyone else. Though her behaviour had yet to prove detrimental to her learning process, it still worried her parents. To her, thinking was easier with more… colourful visuals. She never went without a pack of crayons for long, a habit that stuck with her year after year no matter how much anything else about her changed.

Her pencil snapped; she pulled a sharpener out of her pencil case. A sliver of tongue poked out of the corner of her mouth as she concentrated on amending the problem.

“We do it out of love.” Amari-sensei said, dropping a slice of lemon in her glass and swirling the water around it.

Hinata smiled.

“Always.”

\---

Kokoro watched herself very carefully in her bathroom mirror, a chunk of hair wrapped around her fist and scissors poised. Her bangs always grew out so fast and it was easier to just brush them out of the way when she needed to, but she couldn’t start her very first year of high school looking like she hadn’t had a haircut in ten years.

Golden locks littered the calacatta marble slab she was leaning over, her snips uncoordinated and spontaneous. Ever since she was little, she’d loved to cut her hair, even when it had been barely longer than her shoulders. It was much easier to reach now that it swooped all the way down past the small of her back.

When she was finished with her bangs, she spun in a circle and tried to gather up all the hair that flew along behind her so she could inspect her split ends. They didn’t typically bother her, but today had to be _perfect_. Other people were going to see her and she wanted to make the best first impression she could for an opportunity she’d never thought she would have.

Sure, she’d met other kids her age while she was growing up, but only when her papa’s business partners had no other choice but to bring them to her house. Those kids also didn’t usually want to play with her anyway, so she supposed they didn’t really count as friends. They were so tidy and boring, like most of the adults she hung around with.

Satisfied with her handiwork, she smiled at herself in the mirror. Though she wasn’t used to wearing a uniform, she thought she looked pretty good in the soft browns of Hanasakigawa. She tugged on the white cuffs and rearranged her bright red bow, overjoyed at what the outfit meant for her. Going to school – a _real_ school - like everyone else had been on her mind for as long as she could remember, at least since she’d found out that not absolutely everyone had an army of private tutors who could come over whenever they needed help.

At last, the digital clock on her phone ticked over to 7:30 AM. Finally, she could be on her way. She did have the option of getting a ride from her driver, but the prospect of being able to walk to school, maybe meeting some new friends along the way… she rarely went out on her own to begin with, and she knew the suit people kind of followed her around anyway. Their actions were appreciated, but she was certain she could manage just fine by herself now.

She hopped out of the washroom on one foot while pulling one of her socks up as high as it would go. Swinging her school bag over her shoulder, she took a second to make sure her room was in order before her excitement overcame her and she raced down the hall, skirt kicking up behind her.

She considered sliding down the banisters, even though she wasn’t allowed to anymore. She instead took the stairs down to the main floor three at a time. At the front doors, her mother was waiting for her to see her off.

Her feet hardly stopped moving even as she struggled to put her own shoes on, eager to be out the door.

“Are you sure you don’t need someone to drive you? Or pick you up, at least?” Her mother was dressed in her usual business attire, no doubt about to head to the office once Kokoro was gone.

Kokoro shook her head and flicked her hair over her shoulder. “No, I’ll be fine. It’s more fun if I can go by myself!”

“You know the way?”

“I got it on my phone.” She pulled the map out and flashed it in her mother’s direction. She’d been to the school before, of course. Just not on her own.

Her mother nodded. “Alright. But if you need anything, all you have to do is call. Anything in the world.”

“Yep, always!” Kokoro slipped her other shoe on. “I promise I will if I need anything, but now I gotta go go go!”

“Of course, can’t be late for your first day. Make lots of friends, okay? Try not to be too much of a handful.”

Kokoro could tell, even through her mom’s smile, that she was worried. Really, her parents had nothing to worry about; she had every bit of confidence in herself. She had all the happiness in the world to share, and she was ready to hand it out left and right to anyone she met. The prospect of having new friends was almost all she could think about.

She wasn’t really sure, but she thought her mother had tried to say one last thing before she left. New faces. New smiles. Mama? She could ask her about what she said later, if she remembered. Priorities changed, naturally.

Above all, relationships were the most important - that was what Papa had told her over and over again. He was probably talking about work, but his words were worth considering anyways. Having people to talk to at school, to call on the phone or to go out with for lunch sounded way more beneficial than finding someone to invest. She still wasn’t really sure what investing was, despite listening to Papa talk about it all the time. There were those “investor” people that always came over, and she was supposed to sit in on meetings and listen now...

Really, she didn’t have time to think about such boring topics, and her focus swapped quickly to unlatching the wrought iron gate and skipping out onto the sidewalk.

She had a class to attend, and being late for her first day wasn’t all that appealing. If she was lucky, maybe she’d even find her way there early.

\---

The first thing Kokoro noticed while walking through the courtyard of Hanasakigawa was that everyone else already had someone to talk to.

It was only natural, she reasoned to herself, since most of them had likely graduated from the middle school there to begin with. Childhood friendships were practically a foreign concept to her, so she knew she had a lot of catching up to do in that department. She glanced around - girls chattering amongst themselves and walking to class together, laughing and catching up after the early spring break. She imagined herself doing the same, a year from now. Like most of her thoughts, it was a happy one.

Two girls were sitting on the bench next to where she stood, sharing photos with each other on their phones.

Kokoro leaned towards them. “So what does everyone do for fun around here?”

They both looked at her as if they’d heard her, but otherwise remained silent. Maybe they hadn’t understood her the first time.

“You know, like what’s the most fun thing to do?”

One of them tucked her phone back into her school bag. “Do I know you?”

Shaking her head, Kokoro held out her hand. “Not yet. We could be friends though!”

Neither of them took it. The moments they spent observing her, reactionless, were confusing.

“Sorry, we have to go.”

Both of them stood up, gathered their things and shuffled away in the direction of the front doors.

“Okay, we can talk later?”

They didn’t respond, but they’d surely heard her. The brief encounter hadn’t gone the way she’d expected in spite of her attempts at politeness. Still, the sun was shining and there were dozens of new friends awaiting her inside.

Something about the school itself thrilled her. Putting her extra binders in her very own locker, listening to the scuffs and squeaks of brand new shoes walking through the halls, reading every sign on every door until she laid her eyes on 1-C; it was all so _interesting_. There were people everywhere, on their way to do their own things in their own worlds. So far removed from her that she couldn’t even imagine what their lives might be like. She knew she was something of an outsider, which was typically a negative trait. Little effort was required to flip that notion on its head; more than anything else, it meant she had an opportunity to learn what she was missing.

She slid the door open and chose a desk near the window so she could watch the courtyard from her seat. She ran a hand across the desk; it was very much unlike the one she used during home studies. Simple, small, and a nice light shade of brown. Somehow, it seemed less constricting than the dark, cherry-stained mahogany monster in the study. Four of her could sit at that one with plenty of room to spare, while the single-Kokoro desk was definitely… cuter.

Kokoro placed her bag on the floor at her feet and looked around the room, taking in everything from the blackboard at the front to the students milling about and making small talk. She’d been smiling since she woke up this morning, and she felt it grow even wider when it finally hit her that she was _here_. In school. _Real_ school!

There was so much to take in and little time to do it as the teacher walked in and closed the door behind her. The first thing she did was declare that introductions were in order, and for everyone to find their seats.

In contrast, Kokoro leapt out of hers.

“I’d like to go first, please!” She didn’t wait for a response as she gave her classmates a wave. “I’m Kokoro Tsurumaki, and I hope we have a lot of fun this year!”

She finished her introduction with a bow, giggles and whispers tickling her ears as she took her seat. Someone groaned behind her.

“That’s wonderful, Tsurumaki-san.” Her teacher said from her desk. “But we’ll be going in order alphabetically, so we’ll try again when I call your last name.”

Kokoro nodded enthusiastically as the giggles turned into snickering. She wasn’t sure what everyone else was so worked up about, but two of anything was usually better than one. The students that followed in her stead were decidedly less colourful as they took turns standing and reciting something a little more formal that what Kokoro chose to say, and at a much lower volume.

She found names hard to remember. Matching them to faces would be a welcome challenge. Everything would stick in due time, so it wasn’t all that bad. Based on the encounter this morning though, she would prefer for the names to sink in even just a little right now, if only for ease of conversation. She had so much to learn.

Her attention drifted out the window to the blossoms in the trees and the empty yard below. It wouldn’t be long before the soft pink petals would start falling, blanketing her driveway and clogging up the fountain in the front yard.

A loud _thunk_ brought her and everyone else’s heads whipping around to the source: the girl who sat by the door, clutching her chair with one hand and pinwheeling frantically with the other. The girl behind her quickly stood up to steady her, but she regained her balance on her own, gripping the edge of her desk.

“Sorry.” She muttered, inspecting her newly scuffed shoe. “I accidentally kicked the desk leg.”

“No matter.” The teacher nodded at her. “Carry on.”

The girl stood, with a distinct slouch. Her eyes looked… heavy. Straight brown hair swished across the shoulders of her uniform, parted to one side by a noticeable cowlick. Her expression was nearly unreadable in spite of her newly stubbed toe.

“I’m Misaki Okusawa. It’s nice to meet you. That’s all.”

Kokoro eyed her as she sat back down. Her voice had been just as expressionless as she looked. Papa told her that sometimes people woke up on the wrong side of the bed, which Kokoro didn’t entirely get (couldn’t you just use the word ‘grumpy’? How do you know which side of the bed is the wrong one?), but if anyone looked the part it was definitely her.

What a strange girl.

\---

The first half of the day was relatively uneventful and boring, to Kokoro’s surprise. It consisted mostly of collecting handouts and a step-by-step guide to the curriculum, some of which Kokoro was pretty sure she’d already covered on her own time. Mama had warned her that the pace wouldn’t necessarily match up, after all. There were still all kinds of questions that needed answering, and Kokoro had asked them as they came up, in case she forgot them later on.

When did lunch break begin? When could she join a club? What did you do during Physical Education? She never had that at home. Where is the washroom?

Nobody else seemed to be asking important questions like these. There were a lot more, but she was politely asked to stop and so she complied - for the moment.

Lunch came around noon. She busied herself in the halls asking anyone who would listen to her about what fun there was to be had. Surely someone had some ideas. Dancing in the schoolyard? A trip to the library? Things she’d already thought of, but deemed to be more enjoyable with potential company.

Responses were minimal, if any, so she ate lunch by herself on a bench outside.

There was a bulletin board out near the front doors, already thoroughly decorated with posters advertising clubs, study groups, the student council and everything in between. She watched from afar as a girl with the brightest orange hair she’d ever seen tacked a poster for the track club to the well-worn cork. That was a possibility. She could at least show up to the meeting in a few days and check it out. Never having done anything sports related before, she wasn’t sure what to expect. Friendly faces and a good time, hopefully.

The sun warmed her knees as she considered what to do with herself. Find someone from her class? Unlikely - names and faces had already escaped her. That was something she could work on for tomorrow.

Her foot began tapping along to a rhythm that was slowly materialising in the back of her head, while her fingers played out a tune on her leg. It was an odd moment for sure - she wasn’t really expecting it herself. Sometimes inspiration hit her out of nowhere, and there was no point in keeping it welled up inside.

The bell rang to signal the end of the lunch break. Kokoro hummed as she skipped all the way to the door, sparing not even so much as a glance at the wandering eyes that followed her curiously. They were all welcome to join her if they really wanted to, and she would make sure they knew that next time.

\---

After lunch, the student who was sitting behind her had moved herself all the way across the room to a completely new desk in the back corner. The window seats weren’t for everyone, Kokoro figured. It was awfully bright if the sun shone in at the wrong angle.

Later, they were divided into groups and made to talk with each other about what they did over the previous summer and what they were most looking forward to about being in high school for the first time. Relating with her group was difficult; the conversation was a lot livelier until she told them she spent her summers in Europe with her family.

She ignored the silence and told the story about how one of her bodyguards got airsick on the flight over and spent eight of the twelve hours in the washroom. Nobody had anything to say to that.

An hour later, they were already taking math notes Kokoro had been over at home an entire year earlier. She spent that time doodling in the margins of her notebook, rather than writing anything down.

At the end of the day, everyone else was seemingly out the door right as the bell echoed through the halls.

By the time she stood outside the front gate of the school, she was still alone. She clutched two flyers in her hands - one for the track club, and the other one for the tennis club.

She had a whole year to make her own fun, and to her it felt like all the time in the world.

\--

_Dear diary… dear myself? Who else is gonna read it, after all?_

_Mama suggested that I write down all the good things that happen to me this year and I think that’s a wonderful idea! It’ll help me remember things too, that’s pretty important. I don’t want to forget all the fun I’m going to have after I’ve had it._

_Today was my first ever day at school! I kind of sort of met some new people and everyone seemed really nice. They don’t talk a lot though, unless they’re whispering. I haven’t made any new friends yet but it’s only day one after all, and papa said it’ll take time for me to get to know my classmates._

_I was thinking of joining a club maybe, but there are so many different ones that I don’t know which one would be the most fun! They all sound great, but there’s not enough time for me to try everything. There’s a drama club, an art club, even one just for poetry and writing stories. There are also so many different sports, I don’t know where to start!_

_Track starts right away so maybe I’ll do that. For sure I’ll go to the meeting later, and I also got the flyer for tennis too. I think those are on the same days, so I’ll have to pick whichever one I like the best. I don’t know anything about tennis, but I like to run so track might be better._

_I have a really good seat right by the window._

_What made me happy today:_

_The blossoms on the trees._   
_The sun. Not a cloud in the sky!_   
_Meeting new people._   
_Eating lunch outside._   
_Using my own locker._   
_Talking to new people._   
_Telling stories in class._

_I think those are all the best things about today. I hope the list will be really long for tomorrow. I don’t have any homework yet and mama says that some of it might be like what I already did, but I’ll still have to do it again anyway. I don’t mind that so much, but it might be a little boring. I’ll just have to do something extra fun to balance it out._

_That’s it for today. I don’t know what else to write!_

_Until tomorrow,_   
_Kokoro_


	2. The Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next month updates will be a little funky. i'll be in seattle for a convention the second weekend of november, and right after that i'm off to japan for aqours and bandori shenanigans, and then right after i'm back from japan i'm off to chicago for another con. i'll do my best to keep updates happening weekly or get ahead of schedule but don't be sad if i miss a week please. i'm very dedicated to this story and it is already planned from start to end, so no update won't mean it's abandoned. :)

Little had changed in the days leading up to the track club meet.

It wasn’t as if Kokoro doubted in her ability to meet new people; the entire process was just… a little more difficult than anticipated. In the morning, nobody seemed particularly keen on hanging about before class, so showing up early had proven fruitless.

On the third day, the girl who sat in front of her by the window had also swapped seats to one of the empty desks at the back, and that was a bit curious. Kokoro hadn’t even tried talking to her, so she knew it couldn’t possibly have been something she’d done to make her classmate want to move. She could move too, but she liked everything just fine where she was.

The girls to her right all knew each other and they were planning to meet up after school to go to an arcade. Kokoro hadn’t intentionally listened in on them. She wanted so badly to invite herself along, but she knew at least that it might not be a very nice thing to do.

Learning at school was a little weird, comparatively. Silence — and rarely, a tutor or her mom — was her only company in the study at home. There was always something going on in the classroom that demanded her attention, often pulling her away from her schoolwork.

Even the ticking of the clock on the wall was enough to pull her pencil away from her paper. She checked the time far too often, though not on purpose. Once, the teacher had even called her out for doing it after witnessing her head flick back and forth a few too many times. She tried to insist that she wasn’t bored or anything; that she wasn’t urging for the end of the day to come any faster. She was just… like that.

Navigating when and when not to ask questions was a perilous affair. At home, she could ask whatever she wanted whenever she could think of something to ask. Here, she’d been told that sometimes it just wasn’t an appropriate moment, or even an appropriate question to begin with. A question about science that she’d forgotten about, and suddenly remembered and brought up during history, garnered little more than a “Later, Kokoro” and exasperated sighs from her classmates. Asking when the fun parts were going to start was also frowned upon.

Those mutterings were nothing she couldn’t handle. They would make sense eventually. Hopefully.

She spent lunch breaks shoveling food into her face as fast as she could and wandering around looking for something to do. The other students in the courtyard — content just to sit around and chat with each other, the same things they did before, during and after class — were perplexing. Could they not see the sun shining? The sky, vast and deep blue above them, stretching on forever and ever, and yet so close that Kokoro felt like she could reach up and touch it. She reached up with both hands, for only a moment.

So many wonderful days brushed against the tips of her fingers, and she didn’t have a single soul to share them with. She understood, though, that not everyone would be pining for friendship in the same way she was now. But where were the ones who were still searching?

 

\---

 

On the track team, as it so happened.

The girl with the orange hair.

Her name was Hagumi, and she was exactly the type of person Kokoro had always hoped she would meet. 

The first track meet of the year was, more or less, an informational session that took place on the gym floor. The girls sat in a circle as Hagumi gave them her name and explained that she would be captaining the team, a position she’d also had the year before in middle school. Even without anything else to follow up on, Kokoro could tell that this girl was clearly an athlete. The way she talked about running as if it were her entire life - that and softball were the topics of choice as Hagumi went down the list of accomplishments she’d made during her time at Hanajo. Several records, her name on multiple trophies adorning the display case in the hallway, the admiration of aspiring athletes below her…

And of course, the first thing she said when they had all sat down together.

“Are you ready to have fun?!” She shouted, pumping her fist and winking with one of her big brown eyes.

“Yes!” Kokoro threw both her fists up in return as she’d shouted her response, finding satisfaction at last.

The best part, Kokoro found, was that Hagumi was actually willing to hold a conversation with her.

She clutched the sign-up slip in both hands as she scanned the names on the tryout list. There were twelve other students on it already, and even though they were all first-years, she didn’t recognize any of them. Hagumi had told all of them earlier not to worry and that tryouts were just a formality; anyone and everyone was welcome to the team, no matter how fit they were. The more the merrier, she’d said.

Post-meeting, as everyone else eventually left, Kokoro lingered behind.

Hagumi finally came around through the gym doors and waved at her.

“You’re… Kokoro, right?”

“That’s me!” She replied, leaning against the wall next to the trophy cabinet, still fiddling with the paper in her hands.

“Did you go to middle school here? I’m sure I would remember you…”

Kokoro shook her head. “Nope, this is my first time being in school!”

“Oh, you went somewhere else?” Hagumi asked, resting her hands on her hips and tilting her head.

“No, I had school at home. I’ve never been to an actual one before.”

Hagumi’s jaw dropped. “ _ What? _ No way, you’re so lucky! I would stay home from school every day if I could!”

Kokoro tapped her chin thoughtfully. “But then you wouldn’t be on the track team. Or maybe you could just start your own and anyone could join?”

Hagumi punched the air with her fist again. “Yeah, I would totally have to start my own! That sounds like a lot of work though, so it’s probably a good thing I have to come to school.”

“It’s more fun here anyway. I don’t get to see anyone at home.”

Hagumi kicked the floor with her heel. “Oh. Darn, I didn’t even think of that. It must be real strange then, huh?”

“A little, but it’s not a  _ bad _ strange. Just a  _ different _ strange.” Kokoro responded. She looked at her hands and was reminded of the paper she was holding.

She shoved it in Hagumi’s direction. “Here, I filled out my name!”

“Hmm, Kokoro Tsurumaki!” Hagumi read aloud. “Looks good to me. So you’re gonna join for sure? Oh, can we walk and talk? I have to get home soon.”

They started down the hallway together at a steady pace.

“I think so.” Kokoro answered. “I’ve never been on a team before, but it sounds like fun.”

Hagumi folded the sign-up slip in half and tucked it into her bag. “That makes sense. You probably didn’t have sports teams at home. It’s the  _ most _ fun, and you get to meet lots of other people from other schools when we compete.”

Kokoro clapped her hands together. “Perfect! I don’t want to miss out, so count me in!”

They stepped into the locker room, continuing their conversation as they fetched their belongings. 

“Track practice sessions are every Thursday in the gym. Next week we get to go outside and use the track, so I can time you. If you have any questions, you can always just ask me!”

Kokoro nodded to herself, not remembering that Hugami wouldn’t see her do it. She swapped the tennis club flyer in her bag with her books, crumpling it up and tossing it handily into the nearest recycling bin without even looking.

“Kokoro?” Hagumi said, peeking around the wall of lockers behind her.

“Oh!” Kokoro exclaimed, spinning on her heel and kicking her locker shut behind her. “Yes, I got it! But, um… which class are you in?”

Hagumi smacked her forehead with her palm. “Right, of course! Here, what’s your phone number? I’ll text you so you can have mine.”

Kokoro fiddled with her lock as she recited her number to Hagumi, hoping she was getting it right. She couldn’t remember ever giving her number to anyone else before. The only contacts she had were Mama and Papa, and an emergency line for the people in the black suits.

Her phone dinged and the screen lit up as she pulled it out of her bag. She had Hagumi now, too.

She had Hagumi.

If only they could be in the same class… well, there was no use dwelling on it. Once a week would have to do. Maybe they could eat lunch together sometimes?

Another ding - except it wasn’t her phone; it had come from the girl across from her.

“Uh-oh, I gotta go or Mom’s gonna be mad at me. I’ll see you around, Kokoron!”

Kokoro blinked as Hagumi dashed out of the locker room, down the steps and out the school doors, and then even further across the courtyard, in what seemed like the blink of an eye. Beyond the gates, soft pinks and oranges were already seeping into the sky, tinting the clouds purple and gold.

“Kokoron?” She whispered, to nobody.

She gripped the straps of her bag a little tighter, swinging it over her shoulder. Her smile practically stretched from ear to ear, her skin tingling in… excitement? Anticipation? She had a lot of feelings to sort out.

“Kokoron it is!”

She walked out the gate with a new skip in her step.

 

\---

 

In class 1-C, there was no Hagumi to talk to.

There was nobody like her either. No spark of passion in their voices. No interest in what Kokoro had to say.

In fact, if she might be so bold as to say so, there was an active disinterest in whatever she had to contribute. Hardly an inconvenience to her, personally; she could easily look past it. It was unlikely that absolutely everyone was going to like her, and in fact, most of the kids she’d met growing up had often expressed to her that they weren’t likely to get along — ever. This was normal, or as normal as life could be, for someone like her.

Rejection meant nothing, until it meant something.

They were two group projects into the school year already, and neither of them had felt very good to be a part of.

First and foremost, she was excited at the very concept of group work to begin with. Other students would have to talk to her. They would  _ have _ to see what she was truly like — how happy she wanted to make everyone. School should be fun. Even homework could be fun, among friends. 

As with the cliques and social circles she already knew existed (thanks to countless hours spent at boring business parties), pre-established groups for projects at school such as these were  _ also _ a thing that existed. Inclusion was hopeless until she was manually place with two other girls by the teacher, and the girls in that group insisted they could do it on their own.  _ Couldn’t Kokoro be partnered up with someone else? _ , they’d asked.

And so, when she sat between two of her other classmates and was pointedly ignored whenever she made any suggestions, her enthusiasm came back to bite her where it hurt. Sure, they could make a generic poster presentation about post-war Japan,  _ or _ they could book the school theatre out and do a three-man reenactment of... something. She wasn’t sure what that would be yet, but a performance would be way more engaging, and a lot more  _ fun _ for everyone else. They only had a week, but Kokoro was sure she could make it work.

Unfortunately, her proposal went seemingly unheard as both of her partners spared her nothing more than… some kind of look. It wasn’t a happy look, and Kokoro wondered why.

Well, she knew  _ why _ . But  _ why? _ What about her was so offensive to them? She just wished they would tell her - and a part of her wished they wouldn’t. Negative feelings were complicated, and she preferred not to have them very often, if at all. Nobody in the world deserved to feel bad about themselves.

When the second group assignment came around for a science project, she made the conscious decision to just not let herself feel bad about anything said to her - or mostly, what wasn’t. Even as — once again — her teacher chose her group for her, and even as she was ignored — once again — by her classmates, she pressed forward.

She learned in the end that it was much easier to text Hagumi under her desk while her partners pretended to work with her, rather than try to talk to them and land on the receiving end of disapproving glares. The determination would return to her in time. 

Texting Hagumi was revolutionary. They would send single emojis back and forth between themselves for half an hour and it would feel like Kokoro’s internal batteries fully recharged. The sour taste of being ignored was easily swept away by the barrage of cat stickers and learning more about Hagumi, who worked at the butcher shop downtown and had an older brother who could play the guitar.

The third time it was announced that the class would once again be pairing up to do an English worksheet, Kokoro already had her phone out in her lap before she was even told where to go.

She fired off a text to Hagumi, hoping she wasn’t trapped in a lecture or something at the moment.

“Kokoro?”

“Hm?” Kokoro looked up from her lap at her teacher, who gestured for her to get up.

“You can work with Okusawa-san today. She’s just in the washroom, but you can move your seat for now.” She pointed at the desk nearest to the door.

Who was that Okusawa person again? Oh well, it didn’t matter.

She collected her notebook and her pencil case, then gripped both sides of her chair and lifted it up over her head to cross the classroom. It wasn’t all that elegant and almost everyone was watching her do it, but it was the best way to get her chair over there without stealing someone else’s.

She settled herself snugly into the corner of Misaki’s desk as the worksheet was passed around, making sure to take an extra one for the absent girl. Her phone found its way into her hands just as the classroom door slid open.

It was the girl who stubbed her toe on the first day, Kokoro recalled. The one who slouched over her desk and always clipped her hair to the side.

“Hm.” Misaki looked down at her, and then around the room to presumably figure out what she’d missed.

Kokoro couldn’t help but watch her instead of her phone as she walked over and sat down at her desk, following up with an unfortunately familiar sigh. Bad news, usually.

“Oh boy.” 

Kokoro heard her. Barely a whisper, but she heard it. And she ignored it.

“I got one for you.” Kokoro slid the paper towards Misaki with a single digit.

Misaki accepted it gingerly with her own finger, pulling it towards herself. “...Thanks.”

They fell into silence along with the rest of the class, reading about what they were supposed to do. A standard refresher from what Kokoro assumed she would have learned last year if she were in middle school, that she had instead studied when she was… six? Seven? All she knew was that she… well, already knew it. Translate a few lines, and then work on pronunciation with your partner using a very fake and very out-of-place predetermined conversation.

Easy-peasy.

It was evident, though, that Misaki didn’t exactly agree with that. A big frown slowly formed on her face and Kokoro imagined she would crumple up the paper and toss it into a trash bin if she weren’t in their teacher’s line of sight.

“How am I supposed to remember this? We didn’t even review…” Misaki muttered.

Kokoro looked back and forth between her own worksheet and Misaki. Once, twice…

“But isn’t this the review?”

Misaki grimaced at her from behind the offending article. “It feels more like a test to me. Look, let’s just get this done. We don’t even have to work on it together and we can just pretend we did the conversation part.”

“You don’t want to talk to me either?” Kokoro felt her mouth move automatically. She hadn’t meant for it to sound so confrontational but, well, it was probably true. 

Misaki shoved a hand into her hair.

“I don’t want to talk to anybody. Look, can we just get this done?”

She didn’t wait for Kokoro to answer, pulling out a pencil and squinting as she studied the foreign words with a troubled expression.

She was just like everyone else, save for the exceptional presence that was Hagumi.

Kokoro put her head down and let her thoughts wander as she filled in the translations with ease. Thankfully, she was also capable of multitasking, her left hand clutching her phone under the desk and tapping another message out to Hagumi, who had yet to reply to the first one. How many more group projects were they supposed to have? Maybe she could ask for an exception and do her school work alone instead of sitting through the same old tired scenario over and over again. At least until she could figure everyone else out.

It just wasn’t any fun being ignored. So she resolved, then, to  _ ignore _ being ignored. There was no use in dwelling on disappointment. Thinking happy thoughts was a much more valuable use of time.

“Do you have a pencil sharpen- wait, what? How are you almost done?”

Misaki was staring at Kokoro’s sheet as she absentmindedly finished filling it, mouth agape. 

“Hm? I just… am?” Kokoro wasn’t sure what to say, so she shrugged and unzipped her pencil case.

Misaki’s eyes narrowed as she leaned forward, clearly baffled.

“Do you want to just copy mine?” Kokoro found herself offering, along with her pencil sharpener. She was no advocate for cheating; it just felt like the thing to do in the moment.

Misaki took the sharpener and quickly shook her head. “What? N-no, of course not! I’m not just going to copy you. How do I even know yours is right?”

Kokoro tilted her head, her hair swishing around her shoulders as she shrugged. “Are you stuck?” 

The sound of the sharpener carving away settled between them and Kokoro considered once again how totally strange this girl was. Didn’t she just say she didn’t want to talk to anyone?

“I’m not. Don’t worry about it.”

She handed the sharpener back and Kokoro decided to try her luck out of the blue. Even she surprised her own self from time to time, so she tossed the sharpener back in her pencil case, shoved her phone down into her bag as the screen lit up with a reply from Hagumi and noisily scooted her chair a little bit closer to Misaki.

“I just told you not to worry about it.” Misaki glared at her.

But Kokoro had already decided that her own destiny was to help someone. Even with something as insignificant as sentence structure. No sane person could brush her off for being helpful, after all. 

Misaki’s writing was hard to read, especially her English. 

“Oh! You just forgot a few articles!” Kokoro surmised as Misaki pulled the sheet away from her.

“I  _ said _ -”

“Look,” said Kokoro, reaching for the paper out of reflex, pulling it out of Misaki’s hand and setting it back down on the desk before she could say anything else. She grabbed her pencil and pointed at the phrase Misaki was stuck on. “We skip some stuff in Japanese, but in English you gotta say what you’re talking about.”

“You shouldn’t just take things like that. I don’t even get what you’re saying.” Misaki told her, crossing her arms but relinquishing her work anyway.

“You know,” Kokoro pointed out, drawing some arrows and writing a few of her own notes around Misaki’s barely legible sentence, “you just do it like this. And then it’s easy!”

Alright, so she’d been told before that she wasn’t the best at explaining things. But it  _ was _ easy, Misaki just had to… do it differently. Like, the right way? Instead of the wrong way? Then she would be done in no time.

“Hmm.” Kokoro hummed to herself. “I dunno! You just do it.”

“Very helpful, thanks.” Misaki slumped in her seat, arms still crossed.

Validation at last. “You’re welcome!” Kokoro chirped happily, smile fully returned. 

Misaki covered her mouth suddenly. How could she get any weirder?

“I wasn’t— I mean, that’s not…”

“Hm?”

“Nevermind.” Misaki rushed out as she righted herself. “Let’s just finish this. Quietly. Individually.”

What a killjoy. Well, if she really wanted to struggle her way through the assignment, then Kokoro would be much happier chatting with someone else instead of trying to help someone who didn’t want it.

She noticed Misaki squinting again, proceeding to chew on the end of her pencil. Kokoro used to do that too, but she did it because she was often concentrating really hard on something, while Misaki looked like she was doing it because she was afraid of a piece of paper. The whole situation was a little comical.

Misaki was  _ definitely _ a wrong-side-of-the-bed person. 

Still… this was the longest conversation she’d had with anyone besides Hagumi. Sure, the moods were nothing alike and Misaki sounded like she was half asleep at all times, but it was a conversation nonetheless. It could be another opportunity, regardless of Misaki’s attitude. Her companion looked like she needed a smile or two anyway. Or three. Maybe even four.

“Hey, do you want to eat lunch with me?”

The silence following her question was deafening. It was like the whole room had instantly shut up. It wasn’t really true, but it just felt that way. Kokoro felt, briefly, that this may have been one of those inappropriate question times she was often called out for. She had already asked, though, so there was no turning back. Only turning down.

“No? I mean, I’m busy. Sorry.”

Misaki evaded Kokoro’s gaze and went back to work, playing with one of the strands of hair that framed her face. Ah, so she had other plans for today. 

“Maybe when you’re not busy then?” 

Perhaps persistence could win her over.

“I’m always busy.” Misaki responded without hesitation, not even tearing her eyes from her paper for the brief moment it took her to remove herself from Kokoro’s list of potential friends.

At this point it wasn’t much of a list at all, just a vision floating about in Kokoro’s mind as she did her best to kept track of who who she’d asked and who she hadn’t.

The lump in her throat was difficult to swallow as realization dawned that she had once again struck out. Some people were just too hard to deal with. She considered for a moment if Misaki meant to sound that cruel when she said it. Did she really mean it? If she did, then she either didn’t care that she’d sounded so dismissively mean, or she figured Kokoro didn’t understand her to begin with.

Of course, she understood when she wasn’t wanted. It was just nice to imagine that she would be, if she tried hard enough.

Always busy...

She couldn’t even spare Kokoro her honesty.

 

\---

 

When Kokoro wandered into the cafeteria for the first time, she was quick to notice Misaki, who was busy being by herself at a table in the corner with her headphones in.

What was her deal? She looked forlorn as she slurped instant noodles from her styrofoam cup, even though her face was devoid of any real expression. If she would rather have the company of nobody over Kokoro, then that was up to her. Still, it felt wrong to leave her like that. The feeling nagged her, even though she knew she’d already pushed one too many buttons today.

She turned away, searching instead for a mop of orange hair.

It appeared she wasn’t there, so Kokoro pivoted on her heel, lunchbox in hand, and nearly walked directly into a group of girls coming through the doors. They scattered aside, mumbles of “Watch where you’re going” and “Don’t stand in front of the door, idiot” following after them. There was no reason to be so rude about it. It seemed like a lot of people got up on the wrong side of the bed today.

Kokoro wandered through the hallway with her phone in one hand, trying to figure out where her one and only kind-of-sort-of friend was and doing her best to avoid walking into people at the same time.

**Kokoro** : we should eat lunch together!!! (ノ・∀・)ノ

**Kokoro** : where are you???

She barely walked another step when she got a reply.

**Hagumi** : i can’t today sorry kokoron! (◞‸◟；)

**Hagumi** : my mom is mad at me i gotta call her

**Kokoro** : thats okay! maybe another day?

**Hagumi** : yeah i’ll text u!! sorry again (╥﹏╥)

Poor Hagumi. Whatever was wrong, Kokoro hoped she was okay. 

**Kokoro** : dont worry!!! do ur best

Kokoro stepped outside into the sunlight; Hagumi didn’t reply after that. The bench she liked to sit on was still unoccupied, so she made a beeline for it.

It wasn’t anyone’s fault that she was spending her lunch alone again, but still the lump in her throat returned. She hadn’t thought this would be so hard. Maybe she just had to try harder— be even more forward. Make her own fun… she’d asked so many times what others did for fun, what everyone else did to make themselves happy even when it was obvious they weren’t  _ really _ happy and were just giving her the answer she wanted to hear.

Kokoro could make herself happy for now.

Her fingers had started tapping away on her knee again as she munched on a sandwich, playing out a tune she would undoubtedly lose as soon as she was finished. Humming along while chewing was difficult, but it was just the right moment for a song.

It was upbeat, fast, and cheerful. Like her brief glimpse into the life of the track team captain. Leave out the part about her mom, and it’s all fine and dandy.

There were some girls watching her from beneath the shade of a tree. She ignored their raised eyebrows and not-so-hidden smirks. Her foot started tapping and she swayed back and forth a little, waiting for her smile to come back. It would be there soon, the uncomfortable lump would go away, and she would stop thinking about Misaki being “busy” and Hagumi not being there.

_ Just give it time _ , Mama had said to her. Time was all she felt like she was allowed to give.

 

\---

 

After school, Kokoro decided to take a detour and spend a little more of the beautiful day outside, even if she was just doing it by herself.

It wasn’t often she really went anywhere at all. If she ever wanted anything then all she had to do was ask for it. Window shopping was still fun, though; real shopping was more difficult since she constantly forgot her wallet at home. 

She didn’t really know where she was going, other than on an adventure. People passed her by on the sidewalk, chatting on their phones, holding hands, or carrying bags filled with groceries. A few students went in the same general direction, the distance between them and Kokoro seeming endless. It felt like she was looking in on their lives from the outside. Okay, so she was? But differently. Not like how it was like when she was watching dramas on TV, but more like she was being kept at arm’s length.

Like she couldn’t get inside. Or even see inside. 

_ Hagumi _ . Kokoro thought to herself.  _ Don’t forget Hagumi. _

Her feet carried her forward without purpose for a while longer, until suddenly they didn’t.

On the corner of the street in front of her was a quaint cafe with outdoor seating occupied mostly by students, including some who were definitely not from Hanajo. At the stairs leading to the deck, a crowd of rowdy girls pressed themselves against the windows of a studio (CiRCLE? Who named that place?), peering inside and chattering amongst themselves.

They drew Kokoro in like a magnet. Something exciting was happening, and she didn’t want to miss whatever it was. Her body pulled her closer, pushing and squeezing past other students and never once looking away from the hands she could see sliding across the glass in front of her. Girls were squealing around her, whispers laced with giggles and cheeks flushing, eyes shining as they followed along with the shadows Kokoro could barely make out at the back of the studio.

“It’s  _ them _ ! Right there, right there!” the girl next to her pointed at the shadows.

“Shut up, Kasumi! We all have eyes too, you know!”

“Arisaaaaa!”

Kokoro regarded the exchange with curiosity. Who’s  _ them? _

“Who’s them?” she repeated aloud.

The girl beside her was practically vibrating. “Glitter*Green! Ah, I want to be just like them!”

Kokoro blinked. “Glitter*Green?”

The shadows moved around a little, blurred by the reflections of the girls in the window. Their outlines became a little clearer as they walked about, and Kokoro was pretty sure she caught a glimpse of a guitar, light reflecting off the smooth, glittery finish from inside.

At last, she noticed the poster taped to the window above her head.

A band.

This was what the crowd was here for. This was the reason the girls around her were laughing and smiling and trying their best to get a look at whoever was inside. Music. It was all so obvious.

Memories of her younger self flashed before her, standing atop the table in the living room and belting out whatever came to mind, humming as she skipped down the halls of the Tsurumaki mansion, drumming her pencils across the edge of her desk. Laying on her stomach on her bedroom floor and drawing songs she felt she couldn’t put into words, closing her eyes at night and becoming lost in the music only she knew. 

Sitting on the bench at school, alone with herself as she tapped out a tune on her leg.

A whole new world opened up before her very eyes.

 

\---

 

_ Dear me, _

_ School is okay so far, but only okay. I think it just needs more time to get better. Sometimes it’s almost like I feel sad, but it’s not really hard to forget about all those bad feelings and think of all the wonderful good things that have happened to me lately. _

_ Like track! Hagumi is super cool and we talk a lot even though I don’t see her very much at school. She knows so much about sports and sometimes I don’t really get what she’s talking about, but it’s nice to listen to her anyway. It makes her happy and that makes me happy. I wish everyone could be as happy as Hagumi is. _

_ I wonder why everyone else seems so different. Maybe they don’t have something to make them be happy? I know they’ll find it one day, I just wish I could help a little. It seems like nobody wants help to have more fun or anything, especially the girl who’s by the door. I forget her name already, but we had to work together and then we didn’t and she told me she was busy when she wasn’t. It’s not really kind to lie to people, especially ones who are nice to you. _

_ She still talked to me more than anyone else in my class though. Maybe she’s just stubborn.  _

_ Something amazing happened after school today! I went on my own adventure and I found Glitter*Green. Well I guess everyone else found Glitter*Green and then I found everyone else finding them. I don’t really know who they are or anything but they made everyone so happy just by being there and I want to be like that too. They’re a band and I don’t know anything about being in a band but I think if I find the right people I could make everyone smile like they did. _

_ I think today that I was meant to go there after school, just like what happens in books and stuff. Like how some people fall in love or meet a mermaid or fight a dragon, like maybe it was meant to be that way. It would be nice if things went good for me like they do in those stories. _

_ I think tomorrow I’ll go to the cafeteria again and sit with the girl who sits by the door and ask her what she’s busy doing. I have track after school too. _

_ The best most happy things about today: _

_ Glitter*Green!!! _

_ English homework is very easy. _

_ I texted Hagumi a lot. _

_ I went for a walk after school. _

_ Hagumi. _

_ I helped the girl by the door do her work and she thanked me. _

_ That’s all I can think of today. _

_ Bye!!! _

_ Kokoro _


End file.
